I'm doing it!

Yeah! I've been one week back on track. Vegan, no sugar, no alcohol and I feel great. The scale is moving down and I'm sleeping so well.

Looks like I stopped regularly posting here at the end of last summer. Woo. What a doozie last summer (last year really) was! My husband had seizures and needed to be driven to work and back, the kids of course were off school and had to drive with us. What a drag. Then my husband was hospitalized for a week and was found to have a heart condition that recquired a pacemaker.Long story short, he is stable now, feeling fine and working a great new job.

Then, he/we decided to take job out of state. He has since moved there and me and the kids are here trying to sell the house. Our house has been on the market for 6 months. As soon as we get an offer, we'll be able to move into a new place and all live together again. We have been having regular showings, but no offers yet. If I haven't been blogging, it is because I have been getting rid of our belongings, painting, cleaning and keeping the house "staged" at all times. A showing could call at any time and the house has to be ready. We have 2 little kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats. In one little house. To say this has been a challenge would be a gross understatement.

I think I'm doing ok. It has been quite easy for me to avoid alcohol and sweets this whole time, but the mindless overeating of crap really took over. About 10 days ago, I decided to do what I need for myself. So much is riding on me, that if I don't take care of me, nothing we are trying to do as a family will work.

Today feels like an important day because a couple is coming for a second showing! This is the first second showing we've had. I need to clean the snowy yard of any dog crap and get the house perfect. Maybe even bake cookies! Wish us luck. This could be it!

I realize

As much as I love, admire and believe in veganism, I've come to realize that I have major food issues, such as food addiction. (see previous post) and that my attepmt at veganism this past year has been a manifestation of that addiction.

I do hope to return to a vegan lifestyle someday as I do so admire those are able to do so.
But I need to do it when I am ready.
When it is not just a way for me to limit my food choices.
When I can do it for the real and wonderful reasons I should.

I do buy our meat from a local provider and it is 100% pastured, organic and processed on site. This mitigates, but doesn't eliminate the guilt I feel about eating animals.

I need to lose at least 40 pounds, given my family history of heart disease and cancer. Getting that weight off by learning to stop using food as a drug, comfort, escape, etc. is my goal.

I also want to focus on living without alcohol. I may or may not be an official alcoholic (no DUI's, no public drunkenness, no concerns voiced from friends or family, no physical symptoms of addiction, not a daily user) but I am aware that my enjoyment of wine negatively affects my mood and ruins my weightloss efforts, yet I still have 3-4 glasses of wine 2-3 days a week. I have AA attendees in my family and have even tried it myself and I know for a fact that AA is not for me. That said, I am open to change and new ways of coping. I would like to be someone that drinks only a few times a year, if at all. Drinking has taken up too much space in my life. It is time to let it go.

So being abstinent from alcohol is pretty clear cut. Just. Don't. Drink. It.

But abstinence from food? No, I can't just not eat. I need to stop eating for the wrong reasons. (comfort, escape, punishment stimulation....). My reasons for eating need to be simply for nourishment, and the healthy pleasure that comes with being nourished. I need to be abstinent from using food for the wrong reasons.

With this in mind, I decided to follow a structured food plan and treat my obesity as a manifestation of my addictive personality.
I've decided to:
embrace and deepen my spirituality
to fully surrender to my role in life as wife and mother
to simply follow my program

I realize I have started a new journey, down a different path, in the right direction. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I am doing it!

weigh-in #5

I had a great week and am down 2.6. I did not use my Body Bugg. I ate vegan, avoided sugar, alcohol and flour. It wasn't hard and I feel great.
We are remodeling and landscaping this week and we've been working hard to get everything done before our oldest's first Communion party on May 8th.
I will check in again with next Monday's weigh-in. Have a great week!