I realize

As much as I love, admire and believe in veganism, I've come to realize that I have major food issues, such as food addiction. (see previous post) and that my attepmt at veganism this past year has been a manifestation of that addiction.

I do hope to return to a vegan lifestyle someday as I do so admire those are able to do so.
But I need to do it when I am ready.
When it is not just a way for me to limit my food choices.
When I can do it for the real and wonderful reasons I should.

I do buy our meat from a local provider and it is 100% pastured, organic and processed on site. This mitigates, but doesn't eliminate the guilt I feel about eating animals.

I need to lose at least 40 pounds, given my family history of heart disease and cancer. Getting that weight off by learning to stop using food as a drug, comfort, escape, etc. is my goal.

I also want to focus on living without alcohol. I may or may not be an official alcoholic (no DUI's, no public drunkenness, no concerns voiced from friends or family, no physical symptoms of addiction, not a daily user) but I am aware that my enjoyment of wine negatively affects my mood and ruins my weightloss efforts, yet I still have 3-4 glasses of wine 2-3 days a week. I have AA attendees in my family and have even tried it myself and I know for a fact that AA is not for me. That said, I am open to change and new ways of coping. I would like to be someone that drinks only a few times a year, if at all. Drinking has taken up too much space in my life. It is time to let it go.

So being abstinent from alcohol is pretty clear cut. Just. Don't. Drink. It.

But abstinence from food? No, I can't just not eat. I need to stop eating for the wrong reasons. (comfort, escape, punishment stimulation....). My reasons for eating need to be simply for nourishment, and the healthy pleasure that comes with being nourished. I need to be abstinent from using food for the wrong reasons.

With this in mind, I decided to follow a structured food plan and treat my obesity as a manifestation of my addictive personality.
I've decided to:
embrace and deepen my spirituality
to fully surrender to my role in life as wife and mother
to simply follow my program

I realize I have started a new journey, down a different path, in the right direction. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I am doing it!

weigh-in and more

Friday my otherwise healthy husband had seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. The good news is that he had his seizures at work in front of all his co-workers (who are doctors and nurses) and not while driving, and that after several tests, he was declared perfectly healthy (no brain tumors or metabolic disturbances). The neurologist said that this is not uncommon, and other than taking an anti-seizure medication at bedtime, he should be able to live a normal life. He can't drive for 6 months and he can't drink alcohol because of the medication (he love wines), challenges to be sure, but doable. We feel really lucky to have things turn out like they have this week. Guardian angels, I'm thinking. We both feel recommitted to our healthy lifestyle.
I have not been overeating, but I have not been working out, hence no weight change to report. I'm more than fine with that. On to a fun summer!!

Yipee!

I'm in the clear!! They said it was a lymph node. I asked to speak with the radiologist after the tech delivered the good news (she didn't inspire much trust, as she seemed totally on auto pilot the whole time). He also didn't have any personality, but did show me the films of previous mammos and gave a thorough explanation of his rationale. I'm only just now starting to feel relief. While I like to think of myself as a compassionate and personable nurse, I hope this experience will make me even more so. Eye contact, smiles, thorough explanations-- these things matter so much to the patient. I'm also grateful for this experience because it gave me the opportunity to renew my comittment to my health. I'd been really slacking on my nutrition and exercise goals.
Thanks for the words of support and prayer!! You guys are wonderful!

anew

I have been eating for distraction and comfort frequently over the last few days.
I feel awful.
The little disappointments, the fatigue and frustration, the stress and boredom....all these daily things are triggers to eat. And what do I get from the food? A momentary distraction, a feeling of comfort that is fleeting. Then comes the discomfort and disappointment of having eaten the food. This all takes me away from what I was originally feeling in the first place. I get fatter, less healthy, and stuck.
I'm hoping and praying for clarity on this issue. For insight that will drive me past this cycle. I feel ready to move ahead in a way that I never have before.
What would be so wrong with allowing the little disappointments, the fatigue and frustration, the stress and boredom....all these daily things happen without stuffing them down with food? I know what would happen. They would just pass away. I'd feel something new. I'd move ahead. I know this because I've done it. I need to do it more. It will get easier.
I'm open to change. I'm willing to come through for me.
Clarity. Freedom from compulsion. My new mantra.

It's not a lifestyle, it's a diet.
I need to count calories even when I avoid processed foods and eat vegan. It is very easy to overeat even healthy food. I don't mind feeling like I'm on a diet because I am reversing a medical condition (obesity).
Once the obesity is gone, I can go ahead and have a lifestyle that will maintain a healthy weight. Learning to do that will be a process as well.
That's what works for me....I know everyone is different.

It's time to start posting!!

I started this blog on January 1, 2010 with my commitment to eat a vegan diet. Part of that commitment is also to lower my cholesterol and get my weight into the healthy range.
Over the past weeks I have learned that it is easy, satisfying and delicious to eat vegan! It is easy to meet my protein and calcium requirements without eating animals! But I have also learned, IT IS EASY TO OVEREAT AND STILL HARD TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!
There are many reasons I should stop trying to lose weight.
First of all, this is my body composition:
Height - 5 feet 7.5 inches
Age - 43
Weight - 200 lbs
% fat: - 24.2%
% water - 52%
Pounds muscle - 142.8 lbs
Pounds bone - 7.4 lbs
Not too shabby. Through practicing Bikram yoga, I've gone from 41% body fat to 24.2% body fat. I've gone from 113 pounds muscle to 142.8 pounds muscle in about 2 years. In other words, in the past 2 years I have lost over 17% of my body fat and gained over 29 pounds of muscle.
*If I played on the women's rugby team, that would be great. But I don't.*
I want and need to be lighter and smaller. I wear a size 14 and I know I'd feel best in a 10. I know that if I weighed about 150, I would feel amazing, maybe 160.
Having said all of this, I'm proud of what I've accomplished, I do feel good and I am extremely grateful for my health. I just can't accept that 200 pounds is my ideal weight.
So, I need to:
*get comfortable with daily calorie deficits and more cardio
*lose some lean muscle mass {{Decreasing protein and increasing cardio is the way to do it.}}
It will be like turning a bear into a deer!