Friday weigh in

I get this feeling every few months. I want to change, run away to a new country, convert to a religion, learn a new language, become new from the inside out. I need a personal revolution. But of course, there are many connections and responsibilities that I'm not willing to leave behind, and of course the time and financial restrictions that come with them.

This is part of my weight loss motivation. Firstly, I want and need to be as healthy as possible, within a healthy weight range and decrease my chances of developing heart disease as I age. Secondly, this is about wanting to return to my original self. Somehow, when I look at recent photos of myself, I don't recognize that person as me. The big puffy lady with short hair.

As I've paged through old photo albums this summer, I've recognized myself in childhood riding my horse with my hair wild, as a lanky teen with large dark eyes, creamy skin, in my 20's dancing and laughing, in my 30's getting married and having 2 big baby boys. Shortly after the birth of my second child, the are only a handful of pictures of me. In the last 6 years I have let my fire go out. I am unrecognizable to myself.

I accept (and feel grateful for, considering the alternative) that I am aging. I hope that I'm maturing emotionally. I feel very grateful for how life has unfolded for me so far.

Returning to a healthy weight is just going to be a happy by-product of being true to my nature. I love animals, so it makes sense to not eat them. I've got that down pretty well. I think I'm really sensitive to drugs. One cup of coffee makes me nervous and 1 glass of wine wrecks my sleep. Now that I have that figured out, skipping the wine has become much easier. I still need to switch to green tea. Eliminate sugar. Cut back on grain. Eliminate flour. Cut the fat WAY down. Eat more greens. Basically, find my copy of Eat To Live by Dr Fuhrman and just make the changes. I've tried and failed that diet before, but those times the switch was very drastic. I was still drinking wine, eating animal products and baked goods. Maybe I'll do better this time around.

The Mister tried and abandoned Medifast a few months ago. and gave me boxes of his unwanted packets. I like the taste of them and most of them are vegetarian, so I've been eating them up little by little. It has recently come the my attention that soy isolates( the protein in the packets) are not a good choice if one is looking to avoid a hormonally mediated malignancy. That's one of the categories I fall into so, I'm going to cut out the medifast as well.


The next piece of the puzzle is the biggest piece. I want to learn to eat only when I'm hungry. Ever since I was a teen, I can remember purposely and with full awareness, drowning out my emotions with food. I want to learn to just feel my feelings. Not act on them, not understand them, just have them while the are here. I have come a long way on this one, and I think that is a main reason my weight has come down recently.


medifast shake
plum
1 Boca burger patty
green beans
2 cups vegan minestrone
2 slices sourdough bread with Smart Balance, Vegenaisse, basil, lettuce, tomatoes
1 banana
1/2 cup pasta
1/8 cup homemade vegan pesto
1 cup little fried orka
1/2 cup steamed beets
1/2 cup cucumbers in vinaigrette
1 popcorn topped with herb mix and nootch
2 squares dark chocolate

2 liters water

Bike around the lake

new direction- 2011 countdown

I've been struggling these past two weeks. Eating whatever, eating for comfort and pleasure because I'm not feeling it in other things. The sh8t has continued to hit the fan for us, and I have not been at my best. Worries over work, finances, Mister's health, kids are sensing the tension and being very difficult, the days feel like drudgery and I have no time to take care of myself.

BUT there are some good things going on:
I have avoided alcohol and have gotten good sleep. The kids love their swimming lessons. Our car works. The bathroom sink works. I've essentially maintained my weight. No nurses strike!!I And not least of all, I have found the best eyeliner!
There are many, many more blessings I take for granted everyday.
I've decided to refocus my vision of this journey.

Three main changes.
1- I'm going to journal my food (the good the bad and the ugly) and exercise everyday
2 - I'm going to count five things I am grateful for everyday
3- On December 31, 2010, I am calling a stop to my weight loss effort (obsession, fixation, preoccupation, whatever you want to call it. ) Starting at age 13, I have spent so much time, money and worry on my weight. All of this has had zero impact on my actual weight and has kept me from growing as a person. After I reach a healthy weight, I'm going to allow myself move on. So, I'm taking 27 weeks to lose weight. On December 31 of this year, If I weigh 188 or 135 or somewhere in between, that is what I will maintain. 2011 will be my first year of freedom since I was 13.

Oatmeal with raisins and skim milk
Rice bowl with black beans, tomato, onion, 1/2 avo, balsamic vinegar
medifast bar
2 apricots
2 liters water
medifast cheese puffs
steamed broccoli
1/2 bagel with cream cheese, tomato and basil
2 glasses chardonnay

I am grateful for: My health, my home and my little family. Our little kitten is sleek and shiny and gives kisses. My minivan is da bomb.

Exercise: just getting through it all today.