Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I realize

As much as I love, admire and believe in veganism, I've come to realize that I have major food issues, such as food addiction. (see previous post) and that my attepmt at veganism this past year has been a manifestation of that addiction.

I do hope to return to a vegan lifestyle someday as I do so admire those are able to do so.
But I need to do it when I am ready.
When it is not just a way for me to limit my food choices.
When I can do it for the real and wonderful reasons I should.

I do buy our meat from a local provider and it is 100% pastured, organic and processed on site. This mitigates, but doesn't eliminate the guilt I feel about eating animals.

I need to lose at least 40 pounds, given my family history of heart disease and cancer. Getting that weight off by learning to stop using food as a drug, comfort, escape, etc. is my goal.

I also want to focus on living without alcohol. I may or may not be an official alcoholic (no DUI's, no public drunkenness, no concerns voiced from friends or family, no physical symptoms of addiction, not a daily user) but I am aware that my enjoyment of wine negatively affects my mood and ruins my weightloss efforts, yet I still have 3-4 glasses of wine 2-3 days a week. I have AA attendees in my family and have even tried it myself and I know for a fact that AA is not for me. That said, I am open to change and new ways of coping. I would like to be someone that drinks only a few times a year, if at all. Drinking has taken up too much space in my life. It is time to let it go.

So being abstinent from alcohol is pretty clear cut. Just. Don't. Drink. It.

But abstinence from food? No, I can't just not eat. I need to stop eating for the wrong reasons. (comfort, escape, punishment stimulation....). My reasons for eating need to be simply for nourishment, and the healthy pleasure that comes with being nourished. I need to be abstinent from using food for the wrong reasons.

With this in mind, I decided to follow a structured food plan and treat my obesity as a manifestation of my addictive personality.
I've decided to:
embrace and deepen my spirituality
to fully surrender to my role in life as wife and mother
to simply follow my program

I realize I have started a new journey, down a different path, in the right direction. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I am doing it!

Monday, November 1, 2010

food for thought

Eating and eating!!
Food is my first line of defense against anxiety, boredom, discomfort. Food, cooking and eating are my greatest sources of solice and comfort.
How I love it.
And how I abuse it.
Food is not meant to be a way to disengae, to escape. Yes, it is meant to be enjoyed, but it is not meant to replace a great variety of coping mechanisms.
What else do I love. What else brings me pleasure and refuge? What else besides food?

walking outside
I want to learn to PRAY!
playing with my kids

When will I ever change?