Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I realize

As much as I love, admire and believe in veganism, I've come to realize that I have major food issues, such as food addiction. (see previous post) and that my attepmt at veganism this past year has been a manifestation of that addiction.

I do hope to return to a vegan lifestyle someday as I do so admire those are able to do so.
But I need to do it when I am ready.
When it is not just a way for me to limit my food choices.
When I can do it for the real and wonderful reasons I should.

I do buy our meat from a local provider and it is 100% pastured, organic and processed on site. This mitigates, but doesn't eliminate the guilt I feel about eating animals.

I need to lose at least 40 pounds, given my family history of heart disease and cancer. Getting that weight off by learning to stop using food as a drug, comfort, escape, etc. is my goal.

I also want to focus on living without alcohol. I may or may not be an official alcoholic (no DUI's, no public drunkenness, no concerns voiced from friends or family, no physical symptoms of addiction, not a daily user) but I am aware that my enjoyment of wine negatively affects my mood and ruins my weightloss efforts, yet I still have 3-4 glasses of wine 2-3 days a week. I have AA attendees in my family and have even tried it myself and I know for a fact that AA is not for me. That said, I am open to change and new ways of coping. I would like to be someone that drinks only a few times a year, if at all. Drinking has taken up too much space in my life. It is time to let it go.

So being abstinent from alcohol is pretty clear cut. Just. Don't. Drink. It.

But abstinence from food? No, I can't just not eat. I need to stop eating for the wrong reasons. (comfort, escape, punishment stimulation....). My reasons for eating need to be simply for nourishment, and the healthy pleasure that comes with being nourished. I need to be abstinent from using food for the wrong reasons.

With this in mind, I decided to follow a structured food plan and treat my obesity as a manifestation of my addictive personality.
I've decided to:
embrace and deepen my spirituality
to fully surrender to my role in life as wife and mother
to simply follow my program

I realize I have started a new journey, down a different path, in the right direction. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I am doing it!

Monday, November 1, 2010

food for thought

Eating and eating!!
Food is my first line of defense against anxiety, boredom, discomfort. Food, cooking and eating are my greatest sources of solice and comfort.
How I love it.
And how I abuse it.
Food is not meant to be a way to disengae, to escape. Yes, it is meant to be enjoyed, but it is not meant to replace a great variety of coping mechanisms.
What else do I love. What else brings me pleasure and refuge? What else besides food?

walking outside
I want to learn to PRAY!
playing with my kids

When will I ever change?

Friday, October 1, 2010

changing, standing still.

October first, now.
Time to wait, time to begin.
Warm wind, dry leaves fly.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Checking in

It feels so good to be back in my routine. Eating vegan and walking outside everyday. Kids at school, husband at work, me minding the homefront and preparing for our move. I'll be working at the hospital every weekend for the next several weeks as well. The summer has been chaotic, to say the least, but we seem to have landed on our feet.

Looking at my weekly weigh-ins, its plain to see as my stress level goes up, my weight goes up. Life will always have its ups and downs. Stressful times will always come and go. I want to learn to not eat crap in respense to stress! Some people lose their appetite, can't eat and get thin when things get crazy. I guess I'm just one of those blessed with the evolutionary advantage of the urge to pack in the calories when under seige. It makes sense. Sigh.

All that said, I've been staying away from alcohol this whole time.

And i've been trying to think of ways to keep the upcoming holidays from being a huge weight gain for me. Unfortunately over the last few years, the holidays have been a time chaos and tension, mostly due to in-law issues. Perhaps this year, since we will be in the process of relocating out of state, we can use that as an excuse to do what we need for our family, instead of trying to please in-laws. I'll be actively working on a plan to make the holidays as peaceful as possible. More to come on that one.

As for the immediate plan, I'm making daily, weekly and monthly to do lists regarding our move. Doing this is soothing to me and really keeps me on track. Today I start decluttering!

Friday, August 27, 2010


I wanted change in my life and I got. Big time.

My husband got a job out of state and we will be relocating there. I've lived here for 25 years. A new life.

And, last week my husband was hospitalized for 5 days and received a pacemaker. He is 35 years old! This is actually good news because the cause of his seizures has been found (cardiac syncope) and treated (by having a pacemaker). Such a relief.

Now. I'm excited about everything. We'll be getting the kids ready for school and getting the house ready to go on the market.

This is the time to get these 50 pounds off of my body. Life is moving forward and I'm going with it.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

stopping this blog

I feel so stuck.
I've stayed away from alcohol, but have been eating crap. My weight has been maintaining, pretty much. I feel like such a quitter, but I just can't get it together. I wish I knew how to juggle all the things going on in my life and still, at least feel like, I'm taking care of myself.
I'm not even going to pretend I have time to keep up with this blog and with all you nice gals in the blog world.
I'm taking a break from the computer, probably for the rest of the summer.
My best to you all.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


I've been having one tough week. Things seem so chaotic, frustrating and stressful. I've been living on cereal, fruit pops and cafeteria pasta. No workouts, no walks, no yoga. Throw in some pie and chocolate. I've even had 2 martinis and 2 glasses of chard. All to that adds up to a big huge headache and the scale being kicked under the chair.
I'm not weighing in this week. I'm calling it a bye.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why No Animal Products?

Here's why Im a Vegan.

I love this video. So positive and informative!

Freedom Challenge Week 2

Last week I had ice cream 3 times. Other than that I was free of animal products and alcohol. I feel good and am so grateful for my freedom.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday weigh in

I get this feeling every few months. I want to change, run away to a new country, convert to a religion, learn a new language, become new from the inside out. I need a personal revolution. But of course, there are many connections and responsibilities that I'm not willing to leave behind, and of course the time and financial restrictions that come with them.

This is part of my weight loss motivation. Firstly, I want and need to be as healthy as possible, within a healthy weight range and decrease my chances of developing heart disease as I age. Secondly, this is about wanting to return to my original self. Somehow, when I look at recent photos of myself, I don't recognize that person as me. The big puffy lady with short hair.

As I've paged through old photo albums this summer, I've recognized myself in childhood riding my horse with my hair wild, as a lanky teen with large dark eyes, creamy skin, in my 20's dancing and laughing, in my 30's getting married and having 2 big baby boys. Shortly after the birth of my second child, the are only a handful of pictures of me. In the last 6 years I have let my fire go out. I am unrecognizable to myself.

I accept (and feel grateful for, considering the alternative) that I am aging. I hope that I'm maturing emotionally. I feel very grateful for how life has unfolded for me so far.

Returning to a healthy weight is just going to be a happy by-product of being true to my nature. I love animals, so it makes sense to not eat them. I've got that down pretty well. I think I'm really sensitive to drugs. One cup of coffee makes me nervous and 1 glass of wine wrecks my sleep. Now that I have that figured out, skipping the wine has become much easier. I still need to switch to green tea. Eliminate sugar. Cut back on grain. Eliminate flour. Cut the fat WAY down. Eat more greens. Basically, find my copy of Eat To Live by Dr Fuhrman and just make the changes. I've tried and failed that diet before, but those times the switch was very drastic. I was still drinking wine, eating animal products and baked goods. Maybe I'll do better this time around.

The Mister tried and abandoned Medifast a few months ago. and gave me boxes of his unwanted packets. I like the taste of them and most of them are vegetarian, so I've been eating them up little by little. It has recently come the my attention that soy isolates( the protein in the packets) are not a good choice if one is looking to avoid a hormonally mediated malignancy. That's one of the categories I fall into so, I'm going to cut out the medifast as well.

The next piece of the puzzle is the biggest piece. I want to learn to eat only when I'm hungry. Ever since I was a teen, I can remember purposely and with full awareness, drowning out my emotions with food. I want to learn to just feel my feelings. Not act on them, not understand them, just have them while the are here. I have come a long way on this one, and I think that is a main reason my weight has come down recently.

medifast shake
1 Boca burger patty
green beans
2 cups vegan minestrone
2 slices sourdough bread with Smart Balance, Vegenaisse, basil, lettuce, tomatoes
1 banana
1/2 cup pasta
1/8 cup homemade vegan pesto
1 cup little fried orka
1/2 cup steamed beets
1/2 cup cucumbers in vinaigrette
1 popcorn topped with herb mix and nootch
2 squares dark chocolate

2 liters water

Bike around the lake

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I need a personal revolution. Suggestions?

Monday, July 12, 2010

week 1 of Freedom Challenge

I'm happy too report that I have successfully completed week 1 of the Freedom Challenge. I really haven't missed my evening glass(es) of wine and of course, I feel wonderful about not having any animal products!
Go Freedom Challengers!!!

1 cup oatmeal
1 banana
2t honey
2 cups coffee
1/2 cup soymilk

2 stuffed grape leaves
1/2 pita with 2T hummus

1 cup life cereal with craisins and soymilk
1 cup soy milk

1 cup steamed beets
1/2 cup millet
small pat Smart Balance
juice and pulp of 2 oranges

water - 2 liters

Exercise - took kids to the zoo, gardens and amusement park

Sunday, July 11, 2010

love this town

I love this town! We went to the Hmong Farmers Market this morning and got an insane amount to veg for $10. Everybody says its organic--"no spray"--but nobody is certified as such because of the cost. Then we went to our local Middle Eastern (my favorite) grocery and loaded up on breads and spreads. A lovely bottle of rose water as well. After dinner I stole out for a quick ride around our neighborhood lake.

1 cup Life cereal with craisins and soymilk
2 cups coffee

1 pita chip
1 chapati
2 stuffed grape leaves
2T hummus
2T baba ganoush
1/2 cup potato-green bean curry
1 bite haloumi cheese stuffed pita
1 cup sweet mint tea
1 banana

1 chapati
3 baked falafels
2T hummus
3/4 stuffed grape leaf
1/2 cup sliced cucumbers in a vinegar, oil sugar dressing
1 cup sweet mint tea
1 medjool date
2 liters water

exercise 4.2 mile bike ride

Saturday, July 10, 2010

need more veg

I seem to be resisting veggies. I can't afford organic and am "afraid" to eat conventional. I'm hoping to hit the Hmong farmer's market tomorrow because they have reasonable prices and beautiful stuff. Gotta run and put the kids to bed. I'll be soon to follow them.

2 cups coffee
1 cup Life cereal with soymilk and raisins
vegan current scone
green grapes (medium bunch)
1 4 inch wedge Afghani zatar bread
3 cups romaine with balsamic vinaigrette and 3T craisins
1 Tofutti Cutie
10 more grapes
1 cup sweet mint tea
1/4 cup homemade hummus
potatoes and green beans in yellow curry sauce
1 4-inch wedge Afghani zatar bread
2 slabs grilled eggplant
2 glasses water
1 medjool date

exercise: bike ride around the lake

Friday, July 9, 2010


++Looking at my weekly weigh-in results, one can see that my weight loss stalled out beginning the first week of June. What happened? My daily life changed. The kids got out of school and are now home all day. My husband had seizures, was hospitalized. I had my own health scare. We were worried there would be a strike that would cut off our incomes. I began driving my husband (and kids) to and from work and appointments, as he is prohibited from driving due to the new epilepsy diagnosis. I had to stop Spanish classes and yoga seems a distant memory. I've been trying hard to stay positive, but I'm having a weak moment. Boo-freakin-hoo, right?

2 cups coffee
1 big chunk of watermelon
Vegan Epicurean's curried tomato sauce with steamed collards
1/2 cup rice bowl (rice, beans, tomatoes, celery, corn)
3 glasses iced jasmine tea (unsweetened)
medifafst bar
medifast cheez balls
2 pc licorice
1 chocolate chip cookie
2 cups cubed steamed potatoes with 2T tahini-lemon-fresh garlic dressing
2 cups romaine lettuce from our garden with a little more of the dressing
4 snack-size Tofutti Cuties
2 liters water

BUT.....All is indeed well and I really am about the luckiest person I know, in spite of these little challenges.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

delish day

1 cup brown rice porridge with1 banana, 2T raisins,2t raw sugar, 1/2 cup soy milk
2 cups coffee
1 liter water
medifast bar
Boca burger on 2 pc wheat toast with 1/2 avocado, lettuce, chili sauce and bbq sace
1 liter water
Vegan Epicurean's curried tomato sauce with steamed collards
1/2 cup rice bowl (rice, beans, tomatoes, celery, corn)
10 little rice wafersh
3 medjool dates
1 pbj

I'm thankful for the kind and creative Vegan Epicurean. Her recipes are SO delicious and her blog is a great resource for those of us looking to create delish, low-fat, vegan food.

I didn't get to exercise yet.....

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Nepali food is good

Another busy day, but a happy one. I had Nepali food today, which is one of my fave cuisines. It is like Indian, but lighter and more simple. I think they do use ghee, otherwise there are many veggie dishes.

1 cup coffee
Nepali Buffet:
1 cup bean soup
1 cup basmati rice
1/2 cup potato-tomato stew
2 fried onion balls (about 1 inch across each)
3 pieces Nepali " fry-bread" ( 3 inches across each)
1 cup green bean-potato saute
large glass unsweetened ice tea
1 liter water
6 cups oil popped popcorn topped with Smart Balance
1 cup soymilk
45 minute walk outside

I'm so grateful that the Mister is getting good sleep, for my wonderful parents, and for my hilarious kids.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

just the food

Very long day today. I'm just going to post the food:)

1 cup oatmeal with blue berries
1 banana
1 cup soymilk
green tea
medifast shake
medifast cheese puffs
boca burger on bun with onion and bbq sauce
green beans
1 cup soy milk
1 liter water
glass crystal light
15 french fries
1/2 cup beans, rice and celery with chili sauce
1 nectarine

Monday, July 5, 2010

freedom challenge

Deb says on her inspiring blog, Deb Will Be Free,

"In the next four weeks, we will celebrate the freedom that we have found, but we're not stopping there! We're going to go on to break free from whatever continues to hinder us, hold us back, or tangle us up so that we can be fully free to live the lives we were meant to live and to live them with joy."

What hinders me? My indulgence in wine and my consumption of animal products. Every monday, I will post specifically about how good I feel without alcohol or animal products in my life! So, it is on with the challenge!!

Nice Day

A day wherein I can work out, have a nap, have fun with my family? That is a perfect day for me. I also ate nourishing and delicious food.
1 cup oatmeal with 1 banana, 1 nectarine, 3/4 cup soymilk
green tea
1 liter water
1 medifast bar
bagel with tomato, Veganaise and basil
1 cup squash soup
3 bites pasta salad
2 apricots
2 cups rice bowl (corn, rice, black beans, tomatoes, celery, 1/2 avocado, onion, basil and balsamic)
1 liter water
steamed swiss chard with tamari
exercise: 40 minutes elipse machine
I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

partied out

We went to another party today. Much more tame than last night, but still enjoyable

bowl of Life cereal with banana and skim milk
Boca burger on a bun with tomato, onion, Veganaise, and bbq sauce
small handful of Doritos
1 cup carrot soup
1 liter Gatorade
1 peach
1 nectarine
1 slice chocolate cake
1 can Sprite
1/2 cup couscous salad
2 toast rounds with cream cheese and cucumber
1/2 chocolate chip cookie
small slice watermelon
small handful corn chips
1/2 cup bean and corn salsa
1 liter water

No exercise today.

I feel especially grateful for our jobs, our little house, our health and that our cat who slipped outside last night was found safe and sound in our own backyard.

Saturday, July 3, 2010


Big party at the neighbor's tonight. I did have some animal products and overindulged in wine :( But it really was a wonderful time. Very relaxing and fun, just what we all needed.

Cup of oatmeal with fresh peach and strawberries, ground flaxseed
Cup soymilk
medifast bar
an ocean of white wine
3 salami cream cheese rolls
1 ear of corn
1 cup pasta salad
grilled mushrooms and zucinni
4 pork ribs
2 handfuls Doritos
1 liter water
Exercise: 30 minutes on elipse machine

I am grateful my husband for being so responsible, for my neighbors for being so fun, my kids for being sweet and cute. I glad that I felt really beautiful last night, having had the chance to spend time on my self care.

Friday, July 2, 2010

new direction- 2011 countdown

I've been struggling these past two weeks. Eating whatever, eating for comfort and pleasure because I'm not feeling it in other things. The sh8t has continued to hit the fan for us, and I have not been at my best. Worries over work, finances, Mister's health, kids are sensing the tension and being very difficult, the days feel like drudgery and I have no time to take care of myself.

BUT there are some good things going on:
I have avoided alcohol and have gotten good sleep. The kids love their swimming lessons. Our car works. The bathroom sink works. I've essentially maintained my weight. No nurses strike!!I And not least of all, I have found the best eyeliner!
There are many, many more blessings I take for granted everyday.
I've decided to refocus my vision of this journey.

Three main changes.
1- I'm going to journal my food (the good the bad and the ugly) and exercise everyday
2 - I'm going to count five things I am grateful for everyday
3- On December 31, 2010, I am calling a stop to my weight loss effort (obsession, fixation, preoccupation, whatever you want to call it. ) Starting at age 13, I have spent so much time, money and worry on my weight. All of this has had zero impact on my actual weight and has kept me from growing as a person. After I reach a healthy weight, I'm going to allow myself move on. So, I'm taking 27 weeks to lose weight. On December 31 of this year, If I weigh 188 or 135 or somewhere in between, that is what I will maintain. 2011 will be my first year of freedom since I was 13.

Oatmeal with raisins and skim milk
Rice bowl with black beans, tomato, onion, 1/2 avo, balsamic vinegar
medifast bar
2 apricots
2 liters water
medifast cheese puffs
steamed broccoli
1/2 bagel with cream cheese, tomato and basil
2 glasses chardonnay

I am grateful for: My health, my home and my little family. Our little kitten is sleek and shiny and gives kisses. My minivan is da bomb.

Exercise: just getting through it all today.

Friday, June 18, 2010

weigh-in and goals

I love the digital scale because I can see that I've lost 0.2 pounds last week. If I still had my analog scale, I'd feel stuck!!

No, not really. Last week, with the kid's first week of summer vacation and my husband recovering from his seizures, I'm glad that I haven't binged. I haven't worked out in over 2 weeks, and I've been pretty much just eating "whatever", just to be fed.
My Mister went back to work yesterday, feeling very well. I'm adapting to the kids being home all day and to driving Mister to and from work.

This week, my goals are to:
Focus on eating vegan, low carb and low fat (veggies!!!)
Get to the gym 3 times
Drink my water

Sunday, June 13, 2010

weigh-in and more

Friday my otherwise healthy husband had seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. The good news is that he had his seizures at work in front of all his co-workers (who are doctors and nurses) and not while driving, and that after several tests, he was declared perfectly healthy (no brain tumors or metabolic disturbances). The neurologist said that this is not uncommon, and other than taking an anti-seizure medication at bedtime, he should be able to live a normal life. He can't drive for 6 months and he can't drink alcohol because of the medication (he love wines), challenges to be sure, but doable. We feel really lucky to have things turn out like they have this week. Guardian angels, I'm thinking. We both feel recommitted to our healthy lifestyle.
I have not been overeating, but I have not been working out, hence no weight change to report. I'm more than fine with that. On to a fun summer!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I'm in the clear!! They said it was a lymph node. I asked to speak with the radiologist after the tech delivered the good news (she didn't inspire much trust, as she seemed totally on auto pilot the whole time). He also didn't have any personality, but did show me the films of previous mammos and gave a thorough explanation of his rationale. I'm only just now starting to feel relief. While I like to think of myself as a compassionate and personable nurse, I hope this experience will make me even more so. Eye contact, smiles, thorough explanations-- these things matter so much to the patient. I'm also grateful for this experience because it gave me the opportunity to renew my comittment to my health. I'd been really slacking on my nutrition and exercise goals.
Thanks for the words of support and prayer!! You guys are wonderful!


I had a mammogram last week. On Monday of this week, I was called to schedule a diagnostic mammo, ultrasound and possible biopsy. No further information. I'm scared shitless. My husband is coming with me and I'm going in this afternoon. I have had many many thoughts and emotions these past 2 days. As a nurse, I work with cancer patients all the time. I've always dreaded getting a call like this and having to wait for more tests, more information.
And I have made a vow:
No matter the outcome of today's test, I am making a life change. Everyday, 100% of the time, I'm following the most healthy diet available and will do everything I can to eliminate all potential disease promoting factors in my life. If the tests show a benign condition, I'm going to do everything in my power to never be in this position again. If the tests show a malignancy, I will give myself every advantage available to get rid of it, heal completely and live a long productive life.
Please send a thought and/or prayer for me today.
Update to follow

Friday, June 4, 2010

friday weigh-in

I changed my weigh-in day to Friday, my favorite day of the week. I've maintained my weight since the last weigh-in, even though I did quite a bit of emotional eating.
Overall, I really feel like I've been making progress. I've been focusing on taking care of myself in every way. I went to the dentist, dermatologist, got a mammogram, a pedicure and a haircut. LOVE my haircut. Yesterday, I went dress shopping and was happy to fit a size 14. I bought 2 dresses, 2 pair shoes and earrings. I haven't done that in YEARS!!
My husband quit his medifast weeks ago and I've been sampling his vegetarian leftovers from it. It is good! There seems to be alot of soy protein in the packets, so they upset my tummy. But in general, I'm staying away from the wine, sugar, white flour and have been vegan. Mr Jones has been doing well, following my lead in the food department, more or less, and he's started spinning. He loves it. I'm so glad for him!
Next week, the kids will be out of school, and I will need really be aware of my emotions and not overeat. My self care will be pretty much on hold until fall, unless I can learn to meet their needs and my own simultaneously. Other moms do it. It think I'll make it a goal!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


I have been eating for distraction and comfort frequently over the last few days.
I feel awful.
The little disappointments, the fatigue and frustration, the stress and boredom....all these daily things are triggers to eat. And what do I get from the food? A momentary distraction, a feeling of comfort that is fleeting. Then comes the discomfort and disappointment of having eaten the food. This all takes me away from what I was originally feeling in the first place. I get fatter, less healthy, and stuck.
I'm hoping and praying for clarity on this issue. For insight that will drive me past this cycle. I feel ready to move ahead in a way that I never have before.
What would be so wrong with allowing the little disappointments, the fatigue and frustration, the stress and boredom....all these daily things happen without stuffing them down with food? I know what would happen. They would just pass away. I'd feel something new. I'd move ahead. I know this because I've done it. I need to do it more. It will get easier.
I'm open to change. I'm willing to come through for me.
Clarity. Freedom from compulsion. My new mantra.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

steps and stones

I passed some milestones!! As of this week:
* I'm out of the 190's,
*I have less than 40 pounds to go
*I'm no longer obese, according to the BMI.
To celebrate, I decided to honor my skin. I bought some nice sunblock for all of us, made an appointment with the dermatologist for a head-to-toe checkup and I had a little online shopping spree at Lush.

I read a comment on another blog the other day, " Two steps forward, one step back.....you are still one step ahead!"
I just LOVE that.
That's my vegan quest, my weight loss journey and my personal challenge in a flippin' nutshell. I'll have 4-5 five days out of the week that are exactly on plan, then 2 -3 days of a piece of cake , a martini, a fast food meal. This formula is resulting in a slow and steady weight loss, but I'm really striving for better.
Here's to more better days!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

2 and 3

Yesterday and today of my personal challenge. I managed a walk yesterday, today will be the gym. I've been pretty hungry. I had a martini last night but other than that, I've been 100% on plan.
Had my brains addled at Spanish class today, but I told my teacher that I accept there are 52 tenses in Spanish and I open my heart to each one. One day, I want to read Borges and the writings of Guevara.
I'd always assumed I'd need a tummy tuck after giving birth to 10 and 11 pound kids, but after several weeks of eating in a healthy way, my belly is about flat. It's a miracle. What I thought were blown out muscles in need of surgical repair, turns out to have been fluid and bloat from a bad diet. I've been wearing my size 12 jeans ( 3 different pair) for the last week and they are comfortable in the waist! I have a good amount of abdominal fat to lose, but I feel so relieved and encouraged by this revelation!!
I miss yoga very much--as I REALLY hate the gym. but as my best friend's college counsellor used to say, "Nothing is fun all the time."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

100 things about me

1. I used to be a professional belly dancer.
2. I'm a late bloomer.
3. I look young for my age.
4. My favorite color changes every few years.
5. Right now it is blue
6. My husband is 9 years younger than me.
7. We have been married for 10 years.
8 My kids were 10 and 11 pounds at birth.
9. I may not need a tummy tuck.
10. Religion fascinates me.
11. I have considered converting to Islam.
12. I have practiced Zen Buddhism.
13. We are raising our children in the Roman Catholic faith.
14. I love Jesus.
15. I want dogs, cats and horses in my life, all the time.
16. I like to ride horses without a saddle.
17. I'm learning Spanish from a retired Spanish professor.
18. Benicio Del Toro makes my heart throb.
19. I love husband's black eyes.
20. I am of European and Middle Eastern ancestry.
21. I am a sensitive person, prone to anxiety.
22. I am broad shouldered and muscular for a woman.
23. I want long hair.
24. I'd love to have a nose job, but probably won't.
25. I love babies.
26. One of my greatest pleasures is an afternoon nap.
27. I love to swim in the ocean or lake.
28. I like to drink wine to relax.
29. I have learned not to drink too much.
30. My mom stresses me out.
31. I love to hug and squeeze my kids.
32. I need to be alone for awhile everyday.
33. I love to cook for family and friends.
34. to be continued

weigh-in #8 and day 1

I'm down 1.6 pounds and glad for that. Last week, I stuck to my plan except for Friday (veggie pizza and wine late at night ) and Saturday (cake, punch, DQ, and BK). I didn't work out other than heavy house cleaning.
Today I'm starting a 33-day personal challenge.
Everyday from now until June 12, I will:
Stick to my eating plan 100%.
( vegan, no sugar, grain or alcohol)
Drink my H2O
Do some form of exercise everyday

By the end of my challenge, the kids will be out of school, we will be attending another family party where I'll be asked to perform (belly dance), I'll be seeing my MD for a 6 month check-up and swim suit season will be just around the corner. I want to be lighter and feeling great when this time comes. I know will, because my plan rocks.
I also want to take this time to focus on personal upkeep--hair, skin, nails---all those things that will be completely neglected while I'm enjoying summer with the kids out of school.
I'll mark each day here.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It's not a lifestyle, it's a diet.
I need to count calories even when I avoid processed foods and eat vegan. It is very easy to overeat even healthy food. I don't mind feeling like I'm on a diet because I am reversing a medical condition (obesity).
Once the obesity is gone, I can go ahead and have a lifestyle that will maintain a healthy weight. Learning to do that will be a process as well.
That's what works for me....I know everyone is different.

Monday, May 3, 2010

weigh-in #7

1.4 gone. I'm glad about that, as I really did some overeating and drinking of wine last week. We worked very hard on the house and yard, though and I'm sure that's were the loss came from. This week will be busy again as we prepare for a big family party coming up.
We all got new bikes on Saturday and it has been wonderful flying around the lake with my oldest son. Just wonderful.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

weigh-in #5

I had a great week and am down 2.6. I did not use my Body Bugg. I ate vegan, avoided sugar, alcohol and flour. It wasn't hard and I feel great.
We are remodeling and landscaping this week and we've been working hard to get everything done before our oldest's first Communion party on May 8th.
I will check in again with next Monday's weigh-in. Have a great week!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Still Here

Thanks for the little nudge, Tracie! Things have been a little up and down foodwise and otherwise. On the down side, in the past several days, I've eaten some meat, felt like a fiend for doing it, then blew up like a giant gas balloon and one poor little boy has been home with strep throat!. On the upside, he is almost all better now, I've been eating alot of veggies everyday, have not binged and feel great!
I've gone for about 2 weeks without my Body Bugg to see if I can stay on track without it. In June I'll decide whether or not to keep using it.
Mister gave up on Medifast because he doesn't like the food. He has lost 10 pounds and is following a a different plan of his own. Hoping for the best!! I feel that if I stick to my plan and make great veg food for him, he will succeed. I'm aiming to inspire and support him with my own journey.
Today and tomorrow, I'm working the evening shift at the hospital, ( I'm a med-surg/ OB RN). I'll bring my veggie "meat" for the salad bar and my little vegan energy bars. That works out well. The hardest thing about work is staying away from the dang candies, cookies, bars, muffins...all that crap that is always there. YUK. In the past, being stressed at work and diving into the junk has been a big setback for me. I'm looking forward to NOT DOING THAT this weekend. It will be a great feeing to come home from work feeling proud and relieved that I did the right thing!
Monday weigh-in!! So excited!

Monday, April 12, 2010

#4 and tough decisions

Hey! I'm down 0.2 lbs!
Mister started Medifast this past Saturday and engaged in a little "last supper" behavior. Blizzards, pie, you know the drill. I did partake in a little of that, so I am pleased with my little loss for the week.
I'm glad that Mister Jones and I are now on the same page, so to speak, with our weight loss efforts. I always feel as though I'm swimming upstream (and Not burning any calories) with my slimming efforts while he sits with a bowl of buttered popcorn and a glass of oaky chardonnay each night. Now that we are in tune, I'm really going to take advantage of this time to make some significant positive changes.
On another note, we've reviewed our finances for the upcoming months, and I've had to make a choice between Bikram yoga and Spanish lessons. I've decided to continue with Spanish, and really utilize the gym membership (which we can't get out of AND get a big discount for using).
I love Bikram and feel sad to leave it aside for now, but we can only afford so many things, right? The kids will be taking activities and sports this summer also, and we will be buying new bikes for them as well.
I'm also considering giving up the Bugg. As much as I have enjoyed it and learned from using it, my free subscription is up in June. Fitday and Sparkpeople are FREE. So, I'm thinking....track calories for free, work out like a fiend.....might be OK Buggless. Hmmm
I feel VERY grateful to have these choices. It is up to me to make the most of all that I have. Lucky Girl!!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

weigh-in #3

Zilch. I got nothin'.
I really expected a loss, but hey---I'll see it next week.
This week I've walked 15 miles!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


So far, this week has been going great.
* I've walked four miles around the lake each day
* burned over 2700 calories each day
* stayed vegan and under 1800 calories
I'm excited to see tomorrow's weight loss.
I'm busy trying to complete a big project (photo albums) before the kids are out of school. Also, organizing and decluttering the house in preparation for summer. I just want be free to play and work with the kids and not be distracted by too much extra crap.
Speaking of being distracted by extra crap. At the age of "early forty-something", I must say that I am so ready to be DONE with "trying too lose weight". It has really been a futile distraction since I was 13, this trying to lose weight. I've never even been over a healthy weight until the last few years. All the time, money and energy I've spent chasing a thinner self when I ALREADY WAS THIN!. Then, in recent years after actually becoming obese, spending my precious resources on futile attempts to recapture what I never realized I had. There is so much more in life to explore and I've given this chase enough of my time.
I'm letting it all go.
I'm eating what I want, when I'm hungry. I'll stop when I'm not hungry anymore. I'm tracking calories for information purposes only. I'll exercise because I love to move. I'm going to celebrate and cherish the body I have, not some imaginary thing. I'm going to take very good care of me. I know if I move beyond overeating, my weight will normalize. Let's see where this goes.
This blog is going to get really boring for readers besides moi, although I know it's been not too much to start with. Just a journal. A journal of a woman coming back to a long forgotten self. Lots of numbers, because they are comforting to me. I crave simplicity in my life.

Monday, April 5, 2010


I need to file an extension for my Monday weigh in. I'm going to weigh in Thursday this week and then stay on Mondays there after. My weekend was fun but I couldn't get out to exercise and I enjoyed the Easter Feast a little too much. Today is a great day and I can't wait to make my smoothies and walk around the lake!!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

me and mister jones

Trying to hang on over here. Last night I went a little nuts on the food and yesterday I was unable to get away for a walk. I want to really rock today and tomorrow so I can see a loss on Monday.
The Mister and I have BOTH gained over 50lbs since getting married 10 years ago. This has much to do with our habit of having wine, making something yummy and watching a movie. This all happens after the kids are in bed. It has become not only our favorite, but now our only activity. Once a week would be fine, but sometimes it is four times a week! When he is working nights, I'll do it by myself.
Poor Mister now has high blood pressure, bad knee, terrible heart burn and sleep apnea. We both know if he loses the weight, all this will probably go away. He has decided to do Medifast and while it wouldn't be my choice, I'm in full support. This could be the thing for him. We have decided that it will be.
When we were in California the other week we looked at a vibrant older couple having dinner. We knew they were both physicians from New Zealand, here to speak at the conference Mister was attending. They were slim, beautifully dressed and groomed. Grey hair and wrinkled skin, yet lovely and handsome. More vibrant and energetic than us, who are 30 years younger. During that trip, we took a vow to each other and to ourselves, to live life to the fullest, to get out of our rut, to take excellent care of ourselves, not just the kids.
Losing this weight is just one of the many changes we plan to make, but it is the first and most important this for both of us.

Friday, April 2, 2010


It's been a couple days! The kids continue with spring break and Mister has been working alot. We decided that we are not going to relocate. The job offer has not been made yet. They said they are still deciding. But we aren't willing to put our lives on hold any longer. We are staying put. It is a good feeling.
As for moi? I've been working hard in the home, playing hard with the kids and getting out for walks. I did not track calories yesterday, but I believe my eating was right on track. I have not binged this week. I have had some cow's milk almost everyday, but otherwise vegan. I've been reading Thrive by Brendan Frazier and am gearing up to start that plan next week. I've also been thinking up a plan of rewards for each milestone on this journey. Just for fun.

Monday, March 29, 2010

weigh-in #2

We had a great weekend filled with palm fronds, puppies and my little boys. We built a great fort, and enjoyed general mayhem. I'm happy that I'm down 1.8 pounds this week.
Now it is on to Holy Week and colored eggs. Does anyone have suggestions for animal and plastic free colored egg alternatives? I'm stumped.
My goals for this week are to:
Walk at least 2 miles each day
Continue with the Bugg ( I've owned it for 3 months)
Observe Holy Week fasting (no wine, olive oil, fasting before daily services)
Have a joyful Easter (Paschal Feast)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

knowledge is power

Good Morning! The last two days of being back in the groove have been fine! I walked around the lake both days (3 miles) and created a calorie deficit of 648 Thursday and 830 Friday. Today.....we'll see. I'll *just* be playing with my boys all day and doing the usual homemaking and errand things. I'm grateful for the calorie tracking and Bugg info. Using this info has really helped me become less of an emotional eater.
Before Bugg: Wow. I just pigged out on a huge breakfast. The day is ruined. And I can't even work out today because the kids are home. I'll just throw down the rest of the day and start again tomorrow. (Then proceeds to eat a ton of calories for the rest of the day and drags self around the house)
After Bugg: Wow. I just ate 800 calories for breakfast. I can't go to yoga or the gym because the kids are home. Today I'll still make progress, because I know I've still got 700 calories left to enjoy, and I can easily burn at least 2400 calories just by playing with the kids and keeping up with chores.

Knowledge is power.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

back on track

Our vacation to San Francisco was wonderful. We walked miles and miles around that beautiful place and also ate and ate! I had quite a bit of seafood and champagne. I gained. But last week, although I did no posting here, I tracked calories, did moderate exercise and lost over 5 pounds! Its was easy and I felt amazing. then....
Yesterday and the day before, I did binge in the evening, creating a 753 and 420 calorie surplus in the process. We are on pins and needles in our house this week as we are awaiting news on a job for the Mister. He does have a good job here but there is another opportunity in a nice city 2 hours away. Of course that would mean moving, new schools, different everything -- but he would get a good raise and we would be up for the adventure. They are supposed to let us know this week if he has been selected for the job. Waiting is hard. I haven't planned our summer or even springtime events and I hate that I haven't done that.
But-- the sun is out, spring is in the air and I am back on track.
Goals for this week:
maintain last week's loss
post here daily
continue tracking calories in and out

Monday, March 8, 2010


I went nuts on my mini-vacation last week as evidenced by my 2.8 pound weight gain. I did eat meat and blew up like a dang balloon. Yuck. In a few days, I'll have another little break. I decided I won't be working out or using the Bugg system from Thursday through Sunday of this week. BUT --- a week from today I'll be 100% back in action and on my way to a thin summer!! AND I'm actually hoping and expecting to be back into the 190's by next Monday!!!
Until then, MWAH!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

favorite quotes

"If you cannot pray sincerely, offer your dry, hypocritical, agnostic prayer, for God in His mercy accepts bad coin." ~Rumi ...

It's time to start posting!!

I started this blog on January 1, 2010 with my commitment to eat a vegan diet. Part of that commitment is also to lower my cholesterol and get my weight into the healthy range.
Over the past weeks I have learned that it is easy, satisfying and delicious to eat vegan! It is easy to meet my protein and calcium requirements without eating animals! But I have also learned, IT IS EASY TO OVEREAT AND STILL HARD TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!
There are many reasons I should stop trying to lose weight.
First of all, this is my body composition:
Height - 5 feet 7.5 inches
Age - 43
Weight - 200 lbs
% fat: - 24.2%
% water - 52%
Pounds muscle - 142.8 lbs
Pounds bone - 7.4 lbs

Not too shabby. Through practicing Bikram yoga, I've gone from 41% body fat to 24.2% body fat. I've gone from 113 pounds muscle to 142.8 pounds muscle in about 2 years. In other words, in the past 2 years I have lost over 17% of my body fat and gained over 29 pounds of muscle.
*If I played on the women's rugby team, that would be great. But I don't.*
I want and need to be lighter and smaller. I wear a size 14 and I know I'd feel best in a 10. I know that if I weighed about 150, I would feel amazing, maybe 160.
Having said all of this, I'm proud of what I've accomplished, I do feel good and I am extremely grateful for my health. I just can't accept that 200 pounds is my ideal weight.
So, I need to:
*get comfortable with daily calorie deficits and more cardio
*lose some lean muscle mass {{Decreasing protein and increasing cardio is the way to do it.}}

It will be like turning a bear into a deer!

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010! Happy New Year!

This year I become vegan.